"Selfish"

Just want to share my feelings right now with my blog because I just can't handle the pain I'm feeling right now. My Dad called over the phone and the maid woke me up. After our conversation, Sweetieby called over and I was still at my bed, pressing my face on the pillow, sleepy, so I was kinda saying those "hmm" thingy.

It breaks my heart when I learn that my Sweetieby is the first guy who told me that I'm "Selfish".

Yes, I've tried my best, but for him, it's not.
Yes, I've always ask him if he's ok or if there's any problem, but for him, it's not.

He asked me if I still love him? Why? Am I not giving him enough love?

.......

Thanks Sulley!

Sulley, thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind.

1 Comments:
Sulley :) said...
hey napadaan lang.. chismoso ako eh hehe actually just browsing around lang and nakita ko toh..just my two cents... you cant be plastic in a relationship.. why would you pretend to be someone your not?? that would be like he is in a relationship with another person and not you... white lies are still lies no matter how you look at them... not being able to voice out your problems with your love one means you dont trust him, if he doesnt want to hear them and just wants to have the good side in a relationship that can never happen.. everything has its ups and downs thats why you have each other to hold on to.. you can never be ok if you have a problem.. you can only BE ok if you you don't have any :)

Haayyy...

Due to some personal stuffs and rants I want to put here, I might change my blog's URL.

I just can't talk to the phone with my Sweetieby right now. I'm so scared. I heard him throw his things all over his room. I don't want to let him know that I'm shaking, crying, and scared of what he did. So I just texted him what I want to say.

He even doesn't know that he was the one who gave me strength and make me feel ok in all I do and feel even if I am sometimes down and a little confused. I bet he didn't hear that when I told him over the phone. I felt that he can't understand that. Yes, I rant to him because I want to depend and rely on him but how can I if he always wants me to be ok immediately? I'm not that kind of person, I am ME!! I just want to be ME!! Haayyy..

It is because I love Sweetieby so much that makes me say to him that I will prove to him that I will be strong and be a better person for him even if I can't do that 100%. Yes, I love him more than anything else that's why I'm doing this - I will try not to rant and depend on him right now, in that way, he won't tell me that I'm not following his advices where in fact, I am following all his advices. All he knew was that I'm not following it. Damn!! He didn't even now I was following all his advices and that he comforts me everytime I depend and rely on him with my rants and problems. Anyway, I thank him for that.

"Right now, I'm already decided!! Being a "Plastic" is ok sometimes, white lies maybe? I will prove to him that I'm always ok by not telling him any of my problems and rants. I won't depend on him and I will stand on my own feet (without Sweetieby), I will find other ways to let my downs, rants and problems out myself. All by myself! Amen!!"

*Whew* Wish me luck!!

...Can't Do...

I JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!! HAAYYY... WHEN WILL I LEARN?!?!? WHEN WILL I UNDERSTAND??? HOW WILL I CHANGE MYSELF TO A BETTER ONE?????

I'm so pissed off with myself "again". Doing things that are not always right seems that I can't be the right girl for my Sweetieby. Damn! Of all the things I did, I just can't do it right!! I keep on asking myself what my Sweetieby always ask me.."Ano ba ako sayo?", "Do I deserve this?", "Bakit mo ako ginaganito?", "Anu pa ba ang kelangan kong gawin? Binigay ko na lahat ng support ko sayo.", "Ano pa ba ako sayo?", "So, pano na to ngayon?", and etc. Do I lack something from my Love? I really can't find any answers when he starts to question me those things. I love my Sweetieby so much, but I think I'm not the right girl for him because I can't seem to do things right!! Laging mali lahat ng ginagawa ko!!!

Yes, I want to rely on him, until when???
Yes, I love my Sweetieby, but I can't do things right!!!!!

There are lots of things inside my mind right now. Sometimes the thought creeps in that I shouldn't have met my Sweetieby after all that maybe he would have a better life without me. This might sound crazy but that's how I really feel.

Yes, I love my Sweetieby so much that's why I want to give him the best of everything!!
Yes, I can't leave my Sweetieby because I love him so much and he's been a great part of me...
Yes, He is always inside my heart...

Oh well......

Diploma @ MRT Station

What's with this Newspaper? Well, it's my Diploma at MRT Station!! :) Hehe! Every morning, lots of people used to get this newspaper and when they get to the train, all they do was read it. So, I got one for myself too! ^^ At MRT, I watch people going in and out of the train and suddenly realize that the day passes by so fast and people are too busy each day, to struggle throughout the day and meet new challenges in their lives.

Marina :P~

2 and a half Rice pleaseee!! >:)
Baked Oyster with Garlic and Butter; Shrimp; and Ginataang Pla-Pla.. Yummy!! :P~

Chick ^-^

Weee! I got the baby chick toy I've always wanted to have since I started to commute. :) All you have to do is turn the key, put it on any surface and it will start to walk and uses its beak to tap. It is really cute and I can't stop playing it!! ^^ Hihi!

To Kyle.

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll need someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never ganna work out
I love you, goodbye

State of Emergency

The "State of Emergency" was declared by GMA this afternoon. Here are some photos I took from Villamor Air Base, Fort and Edsa Shrine. I was on my way to work; everywhere is traffic and lots of work and schools are closed especially in Makati. For me, my work doesn't have any excuses since I was in real estate. In fact, there are lots of sales when there's happenings such as today, rallies, welga, coup'd etat, people's power and stuffs. We've also talked to the armies to allow us to go inside the Villamor (Newport City) where my work was, but they just refused and turned us down. There are lots of armies, SWATS, tanks, and their equipments in the street; they were all armed with guns and ammos. You'll see media and press' around; RPN9, TV Patrol, GMA7, and etc. giving their own reports and interviewed some of the high ranked people. Sad to say, I don't know their names but I saw them and even talked to them by giving my invitations.

Casper?! -___- My Sweetieby, got mad at me, since I totally understand him because he was so worried for my safety but still I insist to go their by myself because of my "Imagination" thingy that my Sweetieby was always there beside me. I almost thought that he's gonna leave me because of what I just did; I panic and got scared than of the happenings today. /swt




*Tanks*


TV Patrol near Edsa.


Edsa Shrine early in the morning.


Song: "Gloria Step Down". This was taken beside our car.






GMA7 news reporter making his reports.

...Thank You...

Mami Teray - My one and only "Shock Absorber"!! Thanks for all the patience you've given me; the love, care, understanding, trust, faith, and your ears to listen everytime I rant. What can I say?! You're the best!! When I say it, I mean it!! You know me pretty well mami teray, I know you read me already, that's enough to prove the things I've just said. I don't know how to thank coz until now, he's been with me and he never did leave me despite of all my problems and rants. This guy is the only one who can take whatever I do. Why? It's because I haven't heard him say anything on me even if I know that sometimes I hurt him so badly and I shout on him; still you won't hear anything but he'll comfort you instead and make you smile. He has everything that no one can ever give to anyone else. Thanks for everything mami teray and I would also like to say sorry.

Smile :)

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile.

Valentines Day!! ^-^

My gift for my own this Valentines Day! :) Isn't it cool?! Mami Teray was right, I should have bought this long ago. Hehehe! ;)

Zahir

In the words of the Mongolian creation myth: There came a wild dog who was blue and gray and whose destiny was imposed on him by the heavens. His mate was a roe deer.

Thus begins another love story. The wild dog with his courage and strength, the doe with her gentleness, intuition, and elegance. Hunter and hunted meet and love each other. According to the laws of nature, one should destroy the other, but in love there is neither good or evil, there is neither construction nor destruction, there is merely movement. And love changes the laws of nature.

In steppes where I come from, the wild dog is seen as feminine creature. Sensitive, capable of hunting because he has honed his instincts, but timid too. He does not use brute force, but strategy. Courageous, cautious, quick. He can change in a second from a state of complete relaxation to the tension he needs to pounce on his prey.

And what about the doe?

The roe deer has the male attributes of speed and an understanding of the earth. The two travel along together in their symbolic worlds, two impossibilities who have found each other, and they overcome their own natures and their barriers, they make the world possible too. That is the mongolian creation myth: out of two different natures love is born. In contradiction, love grows in strength. In confrontation and transformation, love is preserved.

Cars Exhibit @ Eastwood

Here are some of the pictures I took at the Car Show Exhibit in Eastwood. I'm really glad that the other owners of the car were so friendly and they've opened their car for me to take photos. Thanks guys!! ^-^

Rosie Dunne

Rosie Dunne
By: Cecelia Ahern

Done! :) I just can't put down this book until I've finish reading it. What else can I say? I can relate to some of its line. A simple love-faith-dream story. You build, fulfill, and do your own dreams like Rosie Dunne, she was able to cope up, move on, and survive to stand right to its feet even if there's a lots of trials for her.

"Today I love you more than ever; tomorrow I will love you even more. I need you more than ever; I want you more than ever."

Awards Night

Awards night. I think this was my 3rd awards night I've attend in Eastwood. I was so happy that my manager and some of my friends got trophies and certificates. There have been special numbers, like dancing and bands such as Amadeus. I wish I could post the videos here but still I wasn't able to learn how to convert it yet. After the awards night, I went to my Sweetieby's house before I went home. Weeeee! Kawaiiii Sweetieby~ :P

New Bumper!! ;)

Whoala!! :P Sweetieby's new bumper!! ^^ I was really excited to see how they do the bumper, how they paint and how they install and align the whole thing. :) I was glad I was able to see it myself and of course I'm with Sweetieby for whole day in Banawe fixing his bumper. It was really kewl! ;)

Mic Test >:)

<---Click Here To Download

Test 1..2..3... :P
One of my Trippings.. :) I wanted to be a great singer but I don't have a good voice. Oh well, I'm glad that I have recorded one of my favorite song "Hearts Never Lie" even if I just did it on my own. :D If you wish to hear the song, please click the speaker to download. :) Sorry for the poor quality. Ehehe! :P

Song For The Day-7 ^^

Hanggang
ilang ulit mo nang itinatanong sakin
kung hanggang saan
hanggang saan, hanggang kailan
hanggang kailan magtatagal
ang aking pagmamahal

hanggang may himig pa akong naririnig
dito sa ating daigdig
hanggang may musika akong tinataglay
kita'y iniibig

chorus:
giliw wag mo sanang isiping
ikaw ay aking lilisanin
'di ko magagawang, lumayo sayong piling
at nais kong malaman mo
kung gaano kita kamahal

hanggang ang diwa ko'y tanging sa 'yo laan
mamahalin kailanman
hanggang pag-ibig ko'y hanggang walang hanggan
tanging ikaw lamang

hanggang may himig pa akong naririnig
dito sa ating daigdig
hanggang may musika akong tinataglay
kita'y iniibig

hanggang may puso akong marunong magmahal
na ang isinisigaw ay lagi nang ikaw
hanggang saan, hanggang kailan
hanggang kailan kitang mahal
hanggang ang buhay ko'y kunin ng maykapal
hanggang may pag-ibig
laging isisigaw tanging ikaw

Dragon Dance!! :P

Dragon dance from one of my Sweetieby's BPI event in Glorietta. :) The Dragon dance tells a story about the dragon tries to catch the sun and ate it that cause it's death.

Cosplay ^-^

These are one of my fave costumes in cosplay last year '05. I wasn't able to make it, so I really envy these guys who can join. T_T huhuhu!

Song For The Day-6 ^^

The Pussycats - Stick With You
I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

[Chorus:]
Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.
I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me (one for me)
And I say

[Chorus]
And now
Ain't nothing else I can need (nothing else I can need)
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you (baby, I'm with you)
Baby, you're with me (Baby, you're with me)
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts.
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say
[Chorus x2]

"Bangga"

My Sweetieby is a dealer of a..?! >:) Wakokekak!

Wedding Day /lv ^-^

My pRO Wedding with my Sweetieby nuknaks! :) hihi.. It was really sweet and different, because after the wedding I was with my Sweetieby and was not like the last time with my ex who wants after the wedding to log-out immediately because of the dress, others even told him that it is only once that you get to be on that dress that's only the time when my ex realized it. I'm really lucky to have my Sweetieby, because he's the best!! ^-^ He even remembered I want to go to Jawaii when we were friends, and now, after our wedding, he invited me to go to Jawaii. Isn't that sweet? (*Ü*) /lv












Waaaaa! My alien Sweetieby ^^

Untitled

I don't know what I'm feeling right now, all I know, tears keeps falling involuntarily from my eyes. Seeing my Sweetieby hurt himself after he heard about Lawrence & after I remember Lyle again when my Sweetieby asked me if I know how it feels when you saw someone you love hugs other person. I know how "MUCH" that hurts because it was in Malate that I saw Lyle hugs Joanne, not letting them know I was there standing at the middle of the street looking and staring at them hugging and they were so happy while the rain pours down on me. As Lyle turns his head to where I was standing, I ran fast and find something to cover me so they won't be able to see me. Malate was a nightmare for me, only my Sweetieby changed it somehow because after the night I saw Lyle and Joanne at Malate, I never stepped on that place again. Until I went there with bro and other PC's for GirlText promotions, I thought that I won't remember anything once I go to Malate, but the moment we had a grouping and they pick the streets where we should distribute, I remember everything as what had happened in actual. You guys might wonder how my Sweetieby changed Malate from nightmare into a fairy land? It is after the work in Malate when we first text. Anyway.. My Sweetieby didn't know that I was crying because I really understand how much I've hurt him and I feel the pain I've given him. I felt it much more when he asked me about some stuffs that reminds me of Lyle and Joanne. Oh well, what can say? I'm still thankful that my Sweetieby opened up to me & at the same time I'm so happy that I was able to tell him about Lawrence, I was so guilty though, because I can't keep things from my Love except for this feeling tonight, I really have to because I can't hold back my pain and tears anymore plus the thought that my Sweetieby hurt himself. It really hurts me more if I knew that it is because of me that my Sweetieby hurts himself not only emotionally but also physically.. It's too much for me to take it, I can't stop my tears fall from my eyes even if I like to stop crying, because I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him.. I'm really really sorry my Love..! I'll make sure you'll never feel that way again ever.. MARK MY WORD!!

My First Message

As I turn the pages of my notebook, I saw this message, I remember I wrote this when me and my Sweetieby were at the girltext UERM. Just want to share it here in my blog.

Oct.22, 2005
Have you ever felt that this could be the right thing that has happen to you? A guy that's unexpected, who came into your life & loves you for who you are. A guy who makes you feel complete & brightens up your day with his smile. Who understands & supports you in all you do. Kyle, the person I want to share my life with. I thank God for knowing him & I pray that he would be the one for me. A new chapter has arrived & I never realized that this would happen after all. He has everything, the love, caring & support. What else would you ask for? Finding him makes me feel complete & I can be me. Hope things between us will work out this time since we almost have the same experience from the past. I love him so much! Hope that this would be the greatest story love has ever told! :)

/lv (*Ü*)